O Pseudophedrine, for a thousand dry mouths to praise your excellent character, your superb effectiveness, your quick action. Thou clever diastereomer of ephedrine, you indirectly affect the adrenergic receptor system to make my nose dry and snot-free. Indeed, thy elixir-of-dryness powers prevent fluid from leaving all my nasal blood vessels to fill inflamed tissue.
My heart doth quicken in response to thee, O Pseudophedrine, whether thou commest under the name of Sudafed, Actifed, Contac, or partnered with other muses of cold relief such as your coy friends guaifenesin, dextromethorphan and acetaminophen.
But thou art a fickle mistress of the drippy nose, and art known to inhabit dens of ill repute to be transformed into thy wicked cousin, Methamphetamine. Be true to me, O greatest phenethylamine, my nose doth drip without thee.
-t
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