Sunday

Continuing my recent habit of posting interesting religious art...

Still From Bill Viola's Video Installation
Catherine's Room
What's interesting about Catherine's Room is that it seems to explore the life of an ascetic. We watch as Catherine does yoga, studies, prays, and sleeps in her cell. That reminds me, I really need to read a book on my shelf called The Contemplative Pastor before I start at Messiah. I'll put in on the list.

Also need to reread Edwin Friedman's chapter on leaving and entering congregational systems in Generation to Generation. I just reviewed it a few minutes ago and was so impressed that I think I'm going to make a copy and give it to the Wardens at COTM. Among other things he notes that it's important to control one's own emotional reactivity (as opposed to emotional responsiveness) while allowing it in others. It also important to be non-anxiously involved in the transition process and to stay in touch after separation (but continue to de-triangle). It's good advice from one of the foremost thinkers in this kind of thing.

Edwin Friedman
Church went well today. I sang a pretty good Eucharistic Prayer 4 all the way through (including the words of institution, etc.). Sermon was okay at 8 and 9.30, superb at 11. Usually I peak at 9.30, so that was a little different.

Now I need to go meet with my Realtor. I'll do another post tomorrow or Tuesday!

-t

Sermon Prep

It will probably surprise no one that I do a lot of my sermon prep by surfing the net looking for relevant and interesting things. Today I came across this picture on the website for the Episcopal Church and Visual Arts project. It was part of the Image and Likeness exhibit.
Susan Tilt
Transfiguration: Dwellings
The Feast of the Transfiguration takes place on Monday, and we are doing little to mark it here at SMM besides the usual daily Mass. We usually only do one big weekday Solemn Mass a month; August's being The Assumption of the Virgin Mary on the 15th. Too bad for the Transfiguration, which is a very "preachable" feast: a feast, possibly, for our times. It speaks to the tension between the command to go out and serve those in need (cf. Luke 10:25-37)and the impulse to sit and adore Christ (cf. Luke 10:38-42). It's great that those two parables come back-to-back, and the key to understanding their relationship may be in what our Lord says at the beginning of the first pericope: the law is to Love God with your entire being and your neighbor as yourself. That's a HUGE "and."

Looking to Sunday's Lectionary Texts, "Paul" is not much of a help. He pushes us toward celestial life: "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth, for you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God" (Colossians 3:2-3). (Of course, this might not have been written by Paul. Raymond Brown said that there is a slightly greater probability that it was written by one of his disciples rather than by Paul. About 60% of biblical scholars think it wasn't Paul. But I'm not sure how important it is to answer that question, anyway.)

The Gospel text for Sunday (Luke 12:13-21) seems to also skew us towards detachment from earthly things. Disputes about Money, J.C. says, are foolish. Reminds me of Mary (Magdalene?) who anoints our Lord's feet with oil (Luke 7:37ff // Matthew 26:6ff // John 12:3ff). Judas argues that the money could have been spent on the poor, but Jesus validates the prophetic and devotional character of her witness.

So I suppose throwing ourselves into the task of service to the world in Christ's name is not sufficient, somehow. There has to be a piece of us that addresses God.

The mistake the Rich Fool makes is to believe that his wealth had spiritual value. In the parable God addresses him harshly: "You fool! This very night your life is being demanded of you. And the things you have prepared, whose will they be?" (Luke 12:20). I think that God addresses this dude because this dude failed to address God. When Jesus gives the two great commandments he phrases the first in a way that implies real devotion and focus and submission to God. Whereas the neighbor love business is spoken of in much more balanced way (love your neighbor as yourself). Our relationship to our neighbor somehow exists within an ethical bubble created by healthy self-regard, but the love we owe to God is something much more extreme. "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind" (Luke 10:27a).

Neighbor-love needs a healthy ego. You have some kind of self-love in order to love others properly. God-love seems to require the surrender of self-regard--the utter and perfect orientation to God (cf. The Cloud of Unknowing). Think of Martha's sister Mary sitting at Jesus' feet and staring up at him with rapt attention. I think of some moments I've had with prayer like that--sitting and reveling the presence of God. I've actually felt my skin tingle and vibrate at the sheer ecstasy of pure orientation to God.

Let not, therefore, but travail therein till thou feel list. For at the first time when thou dost it, thou findest but a darkness; and as it were a cloud of unknowing, thou knowest not what, saving that thou feelest in thy will a naked intent unto God. This darkness and this cloud is, howsoever thou dost, betwixt thee and thy God, and letteth thee that thou mayest neither see Him clearly by light of understanding in thy reason, nor feel Him in sweetness of love in thine affection. And therefore shape thee to bide in this darkness as long as thou mayest, evermore crying after Him that thou lovest. For if ever thou shalt feel Him or see Him, as it may be here, it behoveth always to be in this cloud in this darkness. And if thou wilt busily travail as I bid thee, I trust in His mercy that thou shalt come thereto.

That stuff gives me the chills, it touches so close to the bone of the matter.

Anyway, I've preached all this already. I need to find the new level. I return to the relationship with the congregation. What will be the character and content of my relationship to the people of SMM tomorrow morning? How is it affected by my departure at the end of the month? Should I spend these last few sermons summing up my teaching here? Shall I spend it processing the emotional consequences of my move?

What does this Gospel say? That the world is melting away? That we shouldn't hold onto the labors at hand as though they were permanent? Certainly it feels like the fruits of my labors in the SMM vineyard are about to fade away. What's my legacy going to be?

These thoughts have taken me to an emotional place that feels similar to nostalgia and holy melancholy. It's not grief for things lost, but a piercing awareness of a pastor's love. Nothing mushy or sentimental about it. It's quite sharp. The kind of love that makes the lover frustrated with and proud of the beloved at the same time. I want to aim my bow strung with Mary-like devotional intention not to the clouds above, but towards the Christs in the pews. I want to tell them how much I long for them to touch God. How to do that in a way that won't scare the hell out of them???

I suppose the gift I have to give is the disclosure of a naked and unembarrassed "intent unto God." That's half of the Gospel. It's the in-breath we take before we read it aloud. The out-breath contains the second half of the Gospel: the revelation of God's action.

So what does that look like? Passionate, sure. Eschatological, sure. A love that urges the beloved into being in the fullest sense themselves. I must grasp hold of that vision of the kingdom people they are destined to become. I must preach towards that. (Why look backward to a Christian society that once was? Let the dead bury the dead. I want kingdom come preaching!)

Sigh. I'll stop here, else this post becomes ridiculously long. Right now it's just a snap shot of how my preaching is evolving for tomorrow. Hopefully the Holy Spirit will come between now and tomorrow to fill in the gaps....

-t

Spiegel Tent

I got a late start to the day, which is what I do to compensate for the 12-hour work day I did on Thursday. I imagine that next week I'm going to have to go into insane work mode and do a bunch of days with those kind of hours in order to clear some of these projects off my desk before I back up my office at the end of the month.

I had my usual singing lesson with Halley today. My voice is kind of tired, which means that I'm talking too much, and also that I'm not talking properly. She wants to learn to use a different placement of my voice for my regular speaking, somewhere closer to where I sing. She also gave me a new chromatic scale drill to do. We also spent some of our time talking about various church music issues and ideas. It's good times.

I don't think I mentioned that a week ago Friday Betsy and I had another couple went to the Spiegel Tent show down by the Toronto waterfront. It's a very unusual theatrical experience: a burlesque tent from the 1920's transported from Europe and set up next lake Ontario. The tent isn't as big as you might imagine, but the intimate size works well since everyone feels like they are sharing in something special. The show itself was rather like an old fashioned vaudeville experience--mixing acrobatics, comedy, dancing, music, and even burlesque. It probably wouldn't get more than a PG-13 rating if it were a movie, but what made it so great was the shear energy and excitement of the crowd and performers in the tent. And it helps that they serve food and alcohol, too. It was a blast, the kind of thing I do again except that the show closes August 12 (having been extended twice already).

Betsy and I used to see a fair amount of theater in New Haven, and I'm looking forward to catching more here in Toronto. There is plenty good theater to catch, for sure.

Friends are coming over tonight--I'm not sure what Betsy's plans for supper include...

-t

Projects Projects Projects

Here is a picture of Megan Jull--the Lay Associate Pastor at Church of the Messiah....

We had a long lunch to talk about the church and where what we are going to do first. By all accounts she done a remarkable piece of pastoral work in the last year or so keeping the place together, and she will be an invaluable resource as I move into my role in the place. Alas, she will be departing from COTM (Church of the Messiah) at the end of December for the happiest of reasons (she's expecting). After that she will probably be going to parts unknown to continue to pursue ordination. She certainly has the gifts for it, so I'm sure she'll do well.

One of the things are thinking of doing is grabbing Matthew (Director of Music and Liturgical Arts) and going on a leadership retreat. Two or three days of meeting and praying ought to really move things along nicely. They say that going on vacation with a boyfriend or girlfriend accelerates a relationship--in the same a nice retreat can accelerate the team discernment process.

The Capital Campaign flier is coming along nicely. Rob Castle, SMM Warden, has had helpful feedback. Should be ready in the next day or two.

Betsy and I looked at another possible "Rectory," but decided that we liked one that we saw last week better. So now that we've decided on a property our Realtor, Fran, will help us negotiate the deal. The place we are looking at is gorgeous. It will be fantastic for entertaining. I'll have to have an open house in September and then regular parish events frequently after that, as well. Perhaps football parties in NFL season? (I have a hard time taking the CFL seriously, I must admit, it just reminds me too much of High School sports.)

Tons of other projects on the books, but I do feel like I'm getting some stuff done in my days....

-t

Half of today was consumed between Morning Prayer, saying Mass, and then participating in the fellowship after the Mass. Attendance at the Wednesday Mass is kind of soft because it's summer: only seven of us today. But I'm sure the rafters are crowded with the angels and archangels.

The other half of the day was mostly filled up with two print projects: an ad for The Whole Note and a very complex flier to publicize the SMM Capital Campaign. Interesting how it only took me half a day to get a pretty good result--my skills with Adobe Creative Suite have really improved in the last two years. I left a hard copy for Fr. Harold to look over before his vacation. I'm also getting feedback from one of the Wardens.

It falls under evangelism, but in an ideal world we'd have volunteers doing this. On the other hand, asking volunteers to do this kind of thing can be tricky. Even if you find someone with the right expertise and a willingness to take direction, projects often take a lot longer when volunteers are involved. Just the sheer effort of coordinating the project between the various players can take months in the church environment when it would only take days in the business world. In seminary they teach you that volunteer recruitment and management is one of the most challenging and important tasks in running a church. Unfortunately, they gave us very little training in this regard.

Anyway, I was thinking about this volunteer issue yesterday evening as Betsy and I took a walk by The Messiah. I could see that many of the bushes and shrubs on the Avenue Road side of the building need some TLC. Probably some kind of Saturday Work-party is in order. I'll have to discover what the volunteer culture at Messiah is like. It's actually a relief that everytime I look into the details of the place I see things that I would like to address or change. That's good, because I'd hate to arrive and have a hard time coming up with things to do!

Tomorrow I'm having a lunch meeting with Megan Jull. She is the Lay Pastoral Associate at Messiah. By all accounts she has done an amazing bit of pastoral work there in the last year or two. She has amazing passion for the place and has developed deep pastoral intimacy with many (if not most) of the people there. So I'm sure we are going to have a great conversation.

-t

Harry Potter and Esoteric Spirituality

Betsy and I finished listening to the last Harry Potter book on unabridged audio book. Good stuff. I've always enjoyed the Harry Potter world--it's quirky and fun and not without poignant moments. I was moved to tears a couple of times by the deaths of characters we have learned to enjoy across seven novels.

This inspired a discussion between Betsy and myself about the value and limits of esoteric spiritual disciplines. That could mean meditation or praying with icons or lots of different things. I would take it even further and talk about the experiments and experiences I've had with psychic phenomenon and certain forms of bodywork. I once attended a very cool and extremely powerful group therapy session based on Family Constellations. It's not magical in the sense that some esoteric spiritual techniques can seem, but it is esoteric and "out there" for many people. Yet that day I saw some incredible healing take place and nobody really knows how it worked.

It's kind of like the difference between Newtonian Physics and Chemistry. The Newtonian stuff is useful and powerful so far as it goes, but with chemistry you can subtly manipulate the underlying nature of the universe in way that makes it possible to poison or heal with even a mere gram of powder. If you understand the invisible rules behind the dynamics of the world, you can have incredible power to do good.

There was a time in my spiritual life where I got to experiment and learn from lots of cool techniques. I used to have fascinating conversations with spiritual adepts coming from all kinds of traditions. I haven't been able to do that much since I came up to Toronto, but I think that I'll have the chance at Messiah to really explore my spiritual creativity. Even better, I'll be able to work with a whole community of people to do that work.

In the movie My Dinner with Andre two actors (Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory--acting as themselves?!) discuss this issue at length. One of them has spent many years exploring the most esoteric reaches of the human experience through his vocation of acting. The other chose, by comparison, the straight and deep path. It's not that either is better, but they are different. I'm obviously in Andre's camp. But the really important insight to notice is that the growth comes when Andre and Wallace meet. Something about the spiritual voltage created by the differentiation of paths creates incredible potential.

On a smaller scale, this dynamic is manifest in the preaching relationship. The preacher goes off on a quest for knowledge on behalf of the congregation. She journeys off to encounter the text in a distant land (the pastor's study) and then returns with the golden fleece of insight to share with the community. Interestingly, the myth says that the hero's quest is to restore something that has been lost. This is why it is necessary that preachers be set apart in some way. The degree of the differentiation varies in character and degree from community to community.

Precisely for this reason, preachers/ministers/priests must be a bit odd or geeky. It's not just that a certain personality is drawn to pastoral ministry--it's also the case that pastoral ministry requires or creates a certain personality. I'm precisely most priest when I'm skirting some edge between the mundane and the esoteric. Interestingly, all Christians all called to be priests in this sense, as well, as they partake in the "Pascal Mysteries" and bring that bit of heaven back into the world.

It will be fascinating to see what kind of edge play I end up doing at Messiah. I can hardly wait.

-t

Denise's Grand Escape

Denise, our cat, made a mischievous discovery yesterday. We had her in a harness with a 20 foot lead tied to a fence in the back yard. Betsy was back there with her, when suddenly Denise just bolted across the lawn until the lead ran out and the safety harness gave way under the force. Free at last, our little kitty climbed a nearby tree. Betsy came and got me out of the shower with her concern that our furry child was in jeopardy.

I told her that I was pretty sure that Denise would be able to climb down from any tree she could manage to climb up. She is, after all, an experienced climber. I saw her slip once while climbing a folded up wooden step ladder. She ended up hanging on under a rung upside down--and she still managed to climb back onto the right side of the step and climb the rest of the way down. So I thought she would probably be okay.

Sure enough, there was Denise a good 25 feet in the air crawling out onto a limb having a grand old time. Once she had enough she made her way back down with some impressive and creative moves. At one point she shimmied down the trunk backwards. I took her off a low branch despite her complaints and took her inside.

Hard to know how to balance giving creatures freedom to explore and take risks versus protecting them from making costly mistakes. It's the classic parental dilemma, I suppose, but it also comes up a lot in any kind of teaching or care-giving or pastoral situation.

-t

Cassocks and such

During mass today I thought up some very interesting reflections for this blog, but this is the first moment I've had at my computer since before the 8 o'clock Mass. Now I have just a couple of minutes before I rush off to meet with a Realtor to look at possible "rectories." We saw a great place yesterday that may work well for us. The whole thing makes us feel like kids in a candy store--the sense that whatever we choose is going to make us very happy.

Anyway, I was going to make a note about Cassocks and how great they are. I have two: a lightweight and a heavyweight. Both were gifts from the Order of the Holy Cross (they had a closet full that they used to wear when traveling). They are several decades old, but have held up great. Well made cassocks should never really wear out.

The great thing about cassocks is that they are extremely flexible. They can be warm or cool depending on what you wear under them. And you can have anything on underneath, which means that I can wear what I want to church in the morning and then change into my cassock when I have to do a service. Easy as pie. And they are much more comfortable than pretty much anything else you might attempt to wear.

And black is slimming.

-t

Shadow days

In sailing there is the concept of a "wind shadow" that is created by a sail. Basically, it's simply where the wind is blocked and must flow around. It becomes extremely important in close-quarters racing situations because you can try to block your opponents' wind.

A similar phenomenon is created in karate, for example, when your opponent makes any kind of move whatsoever. Simultaneously an opening is created proportional to how much the move has extended the person. This is why learning how to counter-punch is an absolutely essential skill, because it means you're learning how to take advantage of the special wake created just behind the leading edge your opponent's evil intentions.

Another application of this principle is in preaching. Just behind every phrase or movement is a beat or two of silence that is filled with potential. When I'm really on a roll preaching, that shadow space is essential because it's the beat in which I hear the voice of the congregation and my own inner voice of inspiration. When I see people try to preach without notes and fail, it is often because they don't know how to create and preserve this interior shadow space in the midst of the preaching act. They are all about giving and don't know how to switch into a receiving mode for those crucial few seconds.

I've also come to realize that it takes a courage to trust that something will come in that moment when you take a breath and listen. The truth is usually something does come. And when it doesn't, that's okay, too. If you really throw yourself on the mercy of the Holy Spirit and she doesn't deliver, you have to be okay with Her decision. When that happens to me, I'll often simply repeat my last phrase or summarize what I've been saying, or perhaps just begin the next section of stuff I want to talk about.

An even more ultimate application of this shadow phenomenon is the space created in the wake of psycho-spiritual shifts. It's very common that when something shakes loose in our minds/souls we'll feel tired and quiet in the next moment. It's a mistake as a caregiver to confuse this moment of quietness for backsliding or as an opportunity to push the work further than it has already gone. Even when things seem unresolved, it's often better to let them sit in that place of unsettledness. Attempting to achieve artificial closure is evidence that the caregiver is uncomfortable holding the tension of the scene. Much better to respect the integrity of the spiritual sabbath created by the work.

That period of sabbath can be quite long--lasting minutes, hours, days, or even years. Bede sometimes quotes a Zen teacher who calls it "sheet practice" to spend time simply sleeping and resting. Differentiating this from depression is complicated, and they are certainly related etymologically (having a common origin or process). Anyway, the point I want to make is that this kind of fallow period between moments of growth is a good thing. The fact is that some very important work is often happening under the surface.

I remember a priest friend telling me that the back pews are holy because the people that sit there and disappear before you can speak to them after the service are really engaging important internal work. Forcing them to talk to you is often not helpful.

So this is a relatively long post to explore what should be an intuitive reality. But what often appears intuitive to me is not to others, so I thought I'd talk about it. This shadow business is an incredibly powerful and useful phenomenon to explore in all aspects of life. As key psycho-spiritual dynamics go, it's right up there with the stimulus-response and transcendent-immanent dynamics. Understood dialectically, I guess you would call it movement-stillness? Anyway, these are things I think about when I am trying to analyze what the hell God is doing in the world!

-t

Music Meetings...

Today Matthew Tran-Admas, the Director of Music and Liturgical Arts at the Church of the Messiah, and I had lunch at my favorite pub. It was a 3 1/2 hour conversation that ranged over all kids of ground. The upshot is that we are going to get along great and found all kinds of opportunities to pursue. Like many other aspects of the Church of the Messiah, the music program is wide open for adaptation and growth. It's time for some "blue sky" planning projects, which are tremendous fun. It's great to just dream about what is possible. It's all very exciting!

-t

Brin's work

Here's a picture of the veil and burse Brin Conrad created for me to match an existing chasuble and stole. The original pieces were created by Colleen Hintz on behalf of my parents. Brin had to work very hard to match the fabrics and learn the techniques to match Colleen's work. I'm very proud of her work...

Dreams and Psychosis

Lately I've been having more clergy anxiety dreams. Last night a person I don't recognize came to me in my dreams and accused me of having broken confidentiality by telling a story about him in a sermon without permission and without having changed identifying details. I felt regretful and ashamed in the dream and woke up relieved to realize that I had done no such thing. I've also had had dreams in which I have had to make difficult decisions that would make at least some people angry. And then there was the dream I had recently in which I wrecked my father's rare sports car. Or the one in which I was falling from a great height and woke myself up before I hit the ground. These kinds of dreams are common to ministers, and I've been told they happen to people in other stressful professions, as well. What meaning, though?

Bishop Frederick Borsch -- whom I first met when he was Bishop of Los Angeles and then again when we lived together in the Berkeley House at Yale and he was my Dean -- gives a famous sermon about these. He calls it simply "Clergy Anxiety Dreams" and has a version in his book The Magic Word. His point in that sermon/essay seems to be simply that these things happen in dreams but not in real life, because in real life liturgies come to end, eventually, whether or not we find the right page in the prayerbook or our sermon notes or whatever. It's a sign of God's grace that we don't have to perfect or always find our sermon notes or our vestments or whatever.

But I think that these sorts of dreams also function as an outlet for the anxiety of change. Bede once told me that dreams of death are good because they presage renewal and transformation. I'd go ever further to say that the anxiety surrounding change is not only a by-product, but also a necessary ingredient of change.

One of the key skills one learns in pastoral care training is the ability to regulate the anxiety of the person(s) you are with. If they are too anxious you have to relax them, and if they are not anxious enough than you need to provoke their anxiety a bit. The appropriate level of anxiety depends on the circumstances. But often caregivers betray their own anxiety when they attempt to eliminate that of their clients. Anxiety is often a perfectly natural and appropriate response to life's troubles. And often that's the place where we have to do our work.

I'm reflecting on this partly because I just got through a long visit with a mentally ill person I sometimes see. It's hard work to be with someone who is truly psychotic because you spend so much energy controlling yourself. What I can offer to this person is unconditional positive regard, empathy, and appropriate emotionally intimacy. In order to give that I have to suspend a lot of my normal reactivity. Not easy to do, and I greatly admire the people that do this sort of work all day, everyday. When you are talking to someone and they are going up and down the emotional ladder and swaying from side to side in delusional thinking, it's not helpful to be dragged up and down and back and forth.

So now I'm coming out of that and just needed to do a bit of grounding--and that's the kind of thing blogs are good for.

Cheers!
-t