Mr. Young, an author, a television host and the pastor of the evangelical Fellowship Church, issued his call for a week of “congregational copulation” among married couples on Nov. 16, while pacing in front of a large bed. Sometimes he reclined on the paisley coverlet while flipping through a Bible, emphasizing his point that it is time for the church to put God back in the bed. ...
Mrs. Young, dressed in knee-high black boots and jeans, said that after a week of having sex every day, or close to it, “some of us are smiling.” For others grappling with infidelities, addictions to pornography or other bitter hurts, “there’s been some pain; hopefully there’s been some forgiveness, too.” (source)
There have been a few influential books published recently encouraging couples to have more sex--notable 365 Nights and Just Do It. Both of these are reportedly very funny and free accounts of couples committing to have as much sex as possible despite demanding jobs, children, and middle-age. From what I've heard (I haven't read either one) the embedded gender ideas are basically mainstream (not scary in the way some Evangelical notions of gender can be).
The biblical, theological, and pastoral convictions underlying the role of sex in marriage is, of course, substantial. God wants us to have sex. So why don't we talk more openly about this in Christian marriage? When I do pre-marriage counseling with couples I usually spend at least one session talking about it. One of the things I always mention is that sex inside marriage is very different that the sort of love-making that happens in courtship or even when a couple is living together. Something shifts when you actually get married. A therapist friend of mine (Mary Gates) told me once that when you get married suddenly all your family comes into the bedroom with you. The sex "means" something it didn't before. It has become, in an important sense, more sacramental now that it is contextualized by Word and Spirit.
The notion of sex-as-sacrament is pretty profound. As a sacrament, this "outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace" is a ritual that is what it represents: the union of two people "in mind, body, and soul." It has the power to accomplish that which we cannot do on our own--it takes us beyond ourselves and into a share of the bounty God promises us.
Like all sacraments, the best preparation for sex is forgiveness. Just like we ask God's forgiveness before touching Christ's body, we also need to have a similar spirit of openness and vulnerability when reaching toward our spouse. In fact, I have ever spent time in marriage prep teaching couples how to ask and grant forgiveness. If I teach them nothing else, this may the most important lesson in marriage prep. The sad thing is, many people do not know how to ask for forgiveness in this or any other relationship. Oddly, our culture right now has a hard time with this part of the sin-contrition-newlife cycle and that gets played out in marriages all the time.
Another problem for many couples has to do with the problems that arise from negotiating the tricky boundary between self and other. Psychologists call it "self-differentiation." Here's a scenario, Jane and Mike are married. They always have sex on Friday night, usually after spending time doing something as a couple going to the movies, dinner, or out with friends. Increasingly, however, Jane feels more distant from Mike. As a result, she feels less inclined to make love on Friday nights. Now, if she declines his advances this could be seen as a mark that she is living authentically and not just keeping up appearances. her actions will align with her desires. But, on the other hand it may not help her higher-level goal of having intimacy with her husband. If she has healthy self-differentiation she may be able to think something like, "I really don't feel like this right now, but I will do it for him." Poor self-differentiation might look like, "I really don't feel like this right now, what's wrong with me? I better do it anyway or Mike will get mad..." Note that having sex or not having sex in a particular situation could be the result of poor or good marital health. The key is whether your sacrificial offering of yourself is acceptable or not.
Note that in the Bible not all sacrifices are pleasing to the Lord. In fact, one has to be quite deliberate and careful about what is offered up and how. The wisdom here is that God doesn't want us to make sacrifice for His sake but ours! Thus, one must always examine that which is to be offered carefully.
I'm still learning how to do this this kind of discernment around self-differentiation. Something about the ability to be ones self and yet utterly connected to the other at the same time. Meditation helps, I think, as do the other typical spiritual disciplines: prayer, service to others, listening, study, etc. It's a lesson that takes a lifetime to learn.
-t
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