The Bug

Even before Christmas I had some kind of bug that kept me feeling less that 100%. Of course, I didn't let it keep me home much and generally ignored it with a few exceptions, but now that Christmas is over I can rest and get over it. Yet despite a few days of rest and plenty of fluids and all that, it remains. Right now it chooses to manifest as a sore throat, transient nausea, and general ickiness. It's not bad enough to keep me away from church this morning, but it is enough to annoy me enough to mention it in my blog.

Two of my gurus, Mary Gates and Bede Mudge, are big believers in the idea that physical illness is connected to spiritual processes. I know, that seems obvious, but you'd be surprised how many people still refuse to believe it. And so they both taught me that when you are dealing with some kind of distress like this, it is a sign from within that needs attention. Every part of the endeavor after that is very difficult work, partly because most of us are entirely out of touch with our bodies.

In my own case, I wonder whether this bug is the manifestation of some kind of acedia--a spiritual malaise that can settle in like a fog. It probably comes from the same place as the stuff that prevents me from going up to SSJE to pray with the Sisters like I ought. Bede and Mary and I have gone to this place of fog and swampy ground a couple of times to explore, but without resolution. So much of the spiritually engage life is about encountering yourself in this way. You come to something deep or important and then you sit there wondering, "ok, now what?" It's not much different in pastoral care situations when an important disclosure is made. It comes out and everyone present is thinking the same thing, "ok, now what?" But when it's someone else's stuff I usually can answer that question. For yourself, it's a whole different thing: everyone knows you can't be your own therapist.

Nor is it a coincidence that my spiritual "growing edges" would appear now. In my experience it's exactly those moments where everything is going great that these things make themselves known. I suspect this is because our subterranean selves really want to find healing and resolution and yet want to protect us when the going is tough. Thus, it's precisely when we have the most resources to do internal work that the work bubbles up ready to be done.

On a theological level, I think this reveals something very important about the role of human existence in the created order: we are the place where matter is transformed into spirit. That is, the whole universe is slowly being transfigured and reunited with God, and we are the place where that reconciliation is occurring. This is one of Karl Rahner's ideas, and sometime I'll explore it a few steps further. But right now I need to continue to get ready to preach and lead worship.

-t